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( XMAS WISHLIST. YESPLS?Collapse )
As for a relationship update, I'm really like...idk. He's been acting differently since I've been home. Not a bad different, but a good different. He seems happier? I don't know if it's because I'm going to be starting school & getting my life together and he's proud or...I don't know why. I'm kind of just enjoying it right now, I can't help how much I do love him. I love seeing him happy, but I hate the yo-yo's of emotions and mood swings.
I'm really sick. Blahhh.
I dyed my hair & cut it. Made it more red and put thin blonde high lights through out it. I'll take a picture later, I'm too sick and blegh. It looks kind of like this, except my hair is a deeper red :
( ^ NOT me )
The plan is to eventually go blonde. My hairdresser said I should keep doing highlights because flat-out dying my hair blonde would strongly damage it. So.
I decided to get both my massage therapy license and my esthetician license. Yay. Should take about 10-12 months to complete everything.
I signed up for school today. I'll be getting my license for Skin Care / Makeup art (Esthetician). I'm also going to attend a few makeup art classes and put together a makeup kit to start doing special event makeup (weddings, etc) after I'm licensed.
For Christmas, I'm going to get the airbrush makeup machine. Not sure which brand to go with right now, but airbrushing is important key to any makeup kit. :p
I might go to school for massage therapy too, in addition to becoming an Esthetician. After school, I'll probably get an apartment here in Florida.
I'm getting my life together and building my career so I can stop depending on my husband, and if he leaves me then he leaves me. I'll be able to support myself, which will take a lot of stress off my shoulders. I know he cares what happens to me, so I know he'll help me pay for school and get me on my feet. It hopefully won't be a bitter divorce (if it happens).
I'm really motivated right now to get my life together.
I'm still alive. I'll be in Florida from Nov 10th to the 25th.
I need some alone time for myself.
I sat Ken down last night to talk to him. I told myself I wouldn't cry, but as soon as I started to talk, I started bawling. I got over it though. I asked him how he felt about me, how he was feeling in general lately. He told me he wasn't sure how he felt yet and that maybe the changes I've made would be too late for us. He said he wanted to go to Saudi Arabia so badly because he needed space and time to think about everything.
I sort of think deep down his final answer is that he wants to split. It sucks loving someone so much and not have them feel the same way about you. I've come to accept divorce though, if it were to happen. I think while he's away, I'm going to try and squeeze whatever I can out of this financially since I'm rather financially dependent on him right now. I'd want the car, and I'd want to go to school in his leave and more-over have him pay for the school loan (which is about 5k). I'd get my career set up in his leave, so when he does finally decide things are over, I'll be financially stable and independent.
Nothing scares me more than him leaving me with nothing and nobody. I know he wouldn't do it though, because ironically he cares about me and I think he feels guilty. A long time ago I think I would have died if he left me, but now I think I'm strong enough to be with out him. I guess I've grown up and I have enough notice to get my life together before anything happens.
Deep down, I sort of crave for a man that will make me feel beautiful and special again. I'm jealous of the couples that share a mutual love and commitment to each other. If you're one of those couples, cherish it.
Happy belated Halloween!
I went to go see Paranormal Activity 2. Let's just say I slept with the lights on that night. I didn't do anything special on Halloween. I did my little sister-in-law's makeup and her friend too. They were vampires, so I gave them dark eyes and deep red lipstick. I used my palest foundation on them, they looked pretty dead. I also made vampire "bite" marks with red food dye dripping from them and bruising to make it more realistic. A little at their mouth too just because I felt like it. :P Here's what they looked like
click to enlarge Relationships
As for a relationship update, Ken and I are doing better. It's feeling more "normal" again, if not better. We hear about whether or not he's going to Saudi Arabia by the 4th (maybe).Weight Loss
Ahh! I'm on the right track. I finally did my measurements to see how well I'm doing. I lost 3 inches around my abdominal area, 1 inch from my waist and 1 inch everywhere else on my body. I also lost over 5% of body fat and my strength went from 56 to 256!! So I went from "low" strength to "super fucking excellent" - Aka I can kick some ass. Haha. As for the healthy part, I went from "low" health to "Average" and I gained a few years to my life. It makes me super motivated!
Have you ever been in a relationship for so long that you lose sight of what the relationship was like at the beginning? I was going through my old diary and I have entries dating back to early 2005, along with original love letters and pictures. I was reading an old letter from Kenneth, back when he was in boot camp, and I swear to God I could not stop crying. I forgot how innocent and in love he use to be - he really turned into a bitter old man over time. In his letter, he'd tell me how stupid he was for ever breaking up with me (we took a 2 week break at one point in '05) and how important I am to him, how he'd never let me go and how beautiful I am to him. It just made me cry and cry and cry, because 9 months ago he was so sure he wanted to divorce. The last page of my diary was 9 months ago, it writes :
If we divorce, I vow to never read or write in this diary again. I'll get rid of it, including 5 years worth of memories. I'll think of it as a bad dream. A bad past. A mistake I can't go back and fix. Any empty void in my life. I promise before we sign those papers, I will try my hardest to make us work.
I haven't written in my diary since that day, I still don't know where we stand as a couple. I probably never will. I asked him about it a few weeks ago, he told me if he wanted to leave me he would have already and that he loves me. Part of me believes him, another part of me thinks it's lies and it's because it's not convenient for him at the moment to split (he makes more money while married). I don't know, we've both changed a lot since we were kids. It didn't feel as though I've lost sight of who we are until I read those old diary entries and love letters. It was a slap in the face. A cold hearted, merciless slap.
If you're wondering why I think he'd be lying, it's because he has in the past. He'd tell me he loved me to my face, he'd say beautiful things to me that'd make my heart melt. One day, he turned around and took it all back and told me he was "faking" it. It broke my trust. I don't trust him. I'm trying to trust him again, but it's difficult. I keep a part of my heart closed. Whenever I seem to open it, it gets hurt.
Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Love is hard.
I got bored and dyed my hair red. These pictures are blegh of the actual color, I'll have to take pictures in natural daylight sometime. It makes me look paler and my eyes bluer though. I love going red in Autumn. :P It's a nice Fall color.click to enlarge
My fitness trainer has been kicking my ass this week. I can barely walk up the stairs. D:
Matthew says (4:11 PM):
I can't wait till I can gain some weight
Jessy says (4:11 PM):
im going to stab you next
Matthew says (4:11 PM):
I told you I was 146 that one night
after stuffing my face
first thing next morning I weighed myself
I lost 1.7 pounds sleeping
Jessy says (4:11 PM):
you weigh less in the morning
everyone knows that
Matthew says (4:12 PM):
Jessy says (4:12 PM):
you dont have any of that water weight
you weigh yourself at night
Matthew says (4:12 PM):
I was still 144 that night
Jessy says (4:12 PM):
go fucking die
Matthew says (4:14 PM):
that's not very nice
Why can't that be my
problem? :( Btw, I'm obviously just joking with him. He knows that. :P
Ugh, the days are approaching when we finally find out whether or not Ken's going to deploy anytime soon or if at all. I really hope he still deploys (he and I both were really looking forward to it). I talked to him last night about his attitude recently, he told me he's just stressed and in pain and he feels as though all of our plans are ruined and his career is ruined and it's not going to be okay. He's a negative nancy, I tried to comfort him as much as I could, but it's hard to tell someone it's going to be all right when I kind of feel like it won't be too. Sigh, I don't know what to do. There's nothing to do
except wait. That's the crappy part.