jessy kathryn. (evildoers) wrote,
jessy kathryn.

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Have you ever been in a relationship for so long that you lose sight of what the relationship was like at the beginning? I was going through my old diary and I have entries dating back to early 2005, along with original love letters and pictures. I was reading an old letter from Kenneth, back when he was in boot camp, and I swear to God I could not stop crying. I forgot how innocent and in love he use to be - he really turned into a bitter old man over time. In his letter, he'd tell me how stupid he was for ever breaking up with me (we took a 2 week break at one point in '05) and how important I am to him, how he'd never let me go and how beautiful I am to him. It just made me cry and cry and cry, because 9 months ago he was so sure he wanted to divorce. The last page of my diary was 9 months ago, it writes :

February 2010
If we divorce, I vow to never read or write in this diary again. I'll get rid of it, including 5 years worth of memories. I'll think of it as a bad dream. A bad past. A mistake I can't go back and fix. Any empty void in my life. I promise before we sign those papers, I will try my hardest to make us work.

- Jessica

I haven't written in my diary since that day, I still don't know where we stand as a couple. I probably never will. I asked him about it a few weeks ago, he told me if he wanted to leave me he would have already and that he loves me. Part of me believes him, another part of me thinks it's lies and it's because it's not convenient for him at the moment to split (he makes more money while married). I don't know, we've both changed a lot since we were kids. It didn't feel as though I've lost sight of who we are until I read those old diary entries and love letters. It was a slap in the face. A cold hearted, merciless slap.

If you're wondering why I think he'd be lying, it's because he has in the past. He'd tell me he loved me to my face, he'd say beautiful things to me that'd make my heart melt. One day, he turned around and took it all back and told me he was "faking" it. It broke my trust. I don't trust him. I'm trying to trust him again, but it's difficult. I keep a part of my heart closed. Whenever I seem to open it, it gets hurt.

Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Love is hard.
Fuck complicated.
Tags: kenneth, marriage
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