If we divorce, I vow to never read or write in this diary again. I'll get rid of it, including 5 years worth of memories. I'll think of it as a bad dream. A bad past. A mistake I can't go back and fix. Any empty void in my life. I promise before we sign those papers, I will try my hardest to make us work.
I haven't written in my diary since that day, I still don't know where we stand as a couple. I probably never will. I asked him about it a few weeks ago, he told me if he wanted to leave me he would have already and that he loves me. Part of me believes him, another part of me thinks it's lies and it's because it's not convenient for him at the moment to split (he makes more money while married). I don't know, we've both changed a lot since we were kids. It didn't feel as though I've lost sight of who we are until I read those old diary entries and love letters. It was a slap in the face. A cold hearted, merciless slap.
If you're wondering why I think he'd be lying, it's because he has in the past. He'd tell me he loved me to my face, he'd say beautiful things to me that'd make my heart melt. One day, he turned around and took it all back and told me he was "faking" it. It broke my trust. I don't trust him. I'm trying to trust him again, but it's difficult. I keep a part of my heart closed. Whenever I seem to open it, it gets hurt.
Marriage is hard. Life is hard. Love is hard.