jessy kathryn. (evildoers) wrote,
jessy kathryn.

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Divorce inevitable?

I sat Ken down last night to talk to him. I told myself I wouldn't cry, but as soon as I started to talk, I started bawling. I got over it though. I asked him how he felt about me, how he was feeling in general lately. He told me he wasn't sure how he felt yet and that maybe the changes I've made would be too late for us. He said he wanted to go to Saudi Arabia so badly because he needed space and time to think about everything.

I sort of think deep down his final answer is that he wants to split. It sucks loving someone so much and not have them feel the same way about you. I've come to accept divorce though, if it were to happen. I think while he's away, I'm going to try and squeeze whatever I can out of this financially since I'm rather financially dependent on him right now. I'd want the car, and I'd want to go to school in his leave and more-over have him pay for the school loan (which is about 5k). I'd get my career set up in his leave, so when he does finally decide things are over, I'll be financially stable and independent.

Nothing scares me more than him leaving me with nothing and nobody. I know he wouldn't do it though, because ironically he cares about me and I think he feels guilty. A long time ago I think I would have died if he left me, but now I think I'm strong enough to be with out him. I guess I've grown up and I have enough notice to get my life together before anything happens.

Deep down, I sort of crave for a man that will make me feel beautiful and special again. I'm jealous of the couples that share a mutual love and commitment to each other. If you're one of those couples, cherish it.
Tags: marriage
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